i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
