She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
