Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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