Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
