I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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