He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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