sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
