Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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