I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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