im having a threesome with these popsicles
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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