there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
