i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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