The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
