You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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