i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
