Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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