How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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