He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
