Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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