Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
