what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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