um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
