I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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