You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drunk is not a location!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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