I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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