How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
