then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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