I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
