Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
