The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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