If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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