yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
