I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
