im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
