Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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