I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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