I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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