why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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