I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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