By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
