Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So. Much. Porn.
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