Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I can text with my tongue
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
