Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
