Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
