I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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