don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
