I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
