I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
