saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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