i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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