YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
