This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
