I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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