i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
