What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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