Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
