i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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