Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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